Breakfast at Lani's

Bottoms Up!

I've already mentioned the insulting 1-ply offering to the porcelain god that my work has so graciously stocked their stalls with, and judging from the general consensus that 1ply is a disgrace to human waste, I don't think I need to say much more on the matter.

Except this.

You're not saving any money, Company! People will use twice as much, and you know what happens when people double up? Toilets clog. People panic. Nobody fesses up and nothing gets cleaned until the night crew shows up. It's hell. Actually, it's worse than hell. It's hell with a septic failure. An epic amount of crap baking in an infinitely hot oven. This is not a good thing.

I shouldn't have to tread to the sink through 1 inch of toilet water, soggy 1ply, and pieces of half digested lettuce just so I can wash my hands. Kinda makes my attempt to not spread germs a tad counterproductive.

And to the perpetrator...While I can sympathize with your need for more ply, I can't help but feel you've let the entire office down. You've made everyone suffer instead of just coming forward and admitting your unfortunate turn of evetns. Next time, take caution. Double flush if you have to. And by the way....stop swallowing your gum. That's just disgusting.

Math Club

I remember very little about high school math class. In fact, the only thing I recall is Mr.Cruickshank telling me that I should really learn to embrace the math-tools he was giving me, because sooner or later I would discover that all of them could (and would) be applied to my everyday life.

12 years later and I'm still questioning the validity of that statement. I'm pretty sure the extent of math application in my current everyday life is as follows:  "Holy frack! Gas is $4.50 a gallon?! In Canada, that's like 234 million dollars a liter."

It's not that I'm horrible at math. I just find it boring. Besides, in 3 months I'll be married to a walking calculator, so really, why bother.

Actually, it annoys Dex greatly that I'm constantly asking him math questions - which probably proves that Mr.Cruickshank's theory was correct, I do use math everyday, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. My point is, if math we're fun, I'd probably enjoy fractioning and dividing numbers. It's just that word, it's so ugly... "math", it salivates dullness. Heck, once I spent 3 hours playing with an abacus before someone told me it was actually a calculator. Instant turn off.

In high school I joined "math club" because I had a crush on a guy in my 10th grade math class, we'll call him "Chris" No wait - that was his name. Let's call him Booger. My membership lasted 2 sessions, I quit once I realized all Booger wanted to do was sit around and do math problems. That's just pure craziness.  I thought there would at least be chips or mini-sandwiches.

You know who had a killer math club? Pythagoras of Samos. Yep, the dude behind Pythagorean theorem. He called his math club a brotherhood (obviously,  had I been alive back then, there would have been no chance of me getting close to Booger), and these guys were WAY into math, like maybe a bit too much. According to my shoddy research, Pythagoras actually drowned one of the brothers because he pointed out the existence of irrational numbers, which of course didn't fly with the Pythagorean manifesto.

Pythagoras may have been a bit extreme in his teachings but look at the name he made for himself! I think that would have definitely motivated me to enjoy math more, "Learn it, or die!" You can't really argue with that logic.

What do you remember about math class?

On another note, is it bad that I like to bop my head to Katy Perry’s song “I Kissed a Girl”?  I mean, I've already admitted to listening to Corey Hart & NKOTB, so I figured it can't get much worse.

Pet Products

Every now and then I like to mosey on over to the Skymall. Yes. That Skymall. The same Skymall that you find located in the pocket in front of you on a Boeing 727, jammed between the puke bag and the previous passengers crumpled kleenex.

I can't help it. I find Skymall absolutely amusing, in fact, I'd say it's up there with ThinkGeek and Martha Stewart. Sometimes I find really cool totally-useful things; take the Fire Escape Ladder , or the Upside Down Tomato Garden, both excellent examples of things I may one day need.

And then sometimes I stumble across something that, not only boggles my mind, but truly makes me wonder what type of person would actually pay good money to own said item.

This, people:

Is this is a joke? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong but this appears to be a stroller for dogs.

Now, I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but...um...somehow I don't think a dog is chill about riding in a stroller.

That poor dog in the picture. She looks so unhappy. She was probably sitting comfortably on a couch, in an air conditioned room, happily licking herself with no inkling that her master had bought her a cage on wheels and within the next few hours she would be strolling the streets, completely humiliated as she walked by other dogs, who were, god forbid, walking. I just...I just cant bring myself to take a product like that seriously.

But this?  The Indoor Dog Restroom? Now, that's something I can truly believe in.

It's all in the name

I am fascinated by the impressions names make.

A friend of mine recently told me a story about her friend, let's call her, Julie. I had never met Julie before, nor had I seen a picture of her and yet upon hearing my friend speak her name, I immediately conjured up an image of what she looked like. She would have soft wavy brown hair, blue eyes, big smile and freckles. Boy, was I wrong. I met Julie the following weekend. She had short spiky red hair, green eyes and reminded me of a spunky Dragon Ball Z character. So where did the image come from? Personal experiences? Images from the mass media?

I did some googling (that's googling with two o's for mjv), and discovered an entire academic field dedicated to the impressions name make. One study surprised me greatly: When asked to stereotype names by age, attractiveness, trustworthiness, sociability, kindness, aggressiveness, popularity, etc., people actually do tend to agree on each name's characteristics.

So if people think of Egbert as smart and nerdy, does that influence a boy named Egbert to become smart and nerdy?

Researcher S. Gray Garwood conducted a study on sixth graders in New Orleans. He found that students given names popular with teachers scored higher in skills tests, were better adjusted and more consistent in their self-perceptions, were more realistic in the evaluations of themselves, and more frequently expected that they would attain their goals. A research study in San Diego suggested that average essays by Davids, Michaels, Karens, and Lisas achieved better grades than average essays written by Elmers, Huberts, Adelles and Berthas. The reason? Teachers expected kids with popular names to do better, and thus they assigned those kids higher grades in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, like, what the hell?

Is this telling me I could have been a rocket scientist had my kindergarten teacher, Mrs.Hancock, liked my name and given me that desk in the front row?

What if my name is holding me back? For years actors/singers have changed their names to project a certain image. Bono was born Paul Hewson, Meat Loaf was orginally Marvin Lee Aday, and  Snoop  Dogg's birth name is Calvin Cordozar Broadus.

This is starting to worry me. I mean, luckily, I chose a career where a name like DoctorKillByDeath87 is considered an acceptable office handle, but what if I had chosen to be a tax consultant or a CEO of a multinational corporation or a tenure-track university professor? Would Lani make the cut?

It's like Zoolander said, "Who am I? I don't know. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder."

Huh?

Last summer I moved from Canada to the United States of America, and you know what,  it really has been an easy transition; I speak "American", I drive on the "right" side of the road and I'm a huge fan US Weekly. There have been very few occasions where I've stomped my foot and yelled, "I wanna go home!"

That being said, there IS one thing that I just don't get, and probably never will.

You guys, what's the deal with Fahrenheit?

The Fahrenheit temperature scale is so perplexing. For example, the temperature of zero is the temperature of an equal ice-salt mixture. Cause that's useful to know. The temperature of 32 is the point in which water freezes, and 98.6 is the temperature of the human body. 

Do you have any idea how many panic attacks Fahrenheit has caused me?

Lani: (yawn) Good morning, Dex. What's the weather like outside?

Dex:  It's 52 degrees outside.

Lani: (alarmed, startled, horrified) What? Here? Did the sun blow up?

Dex: No. It's actually pretty mild.

Lani: (slaps forehead) Oh, that's right. I live in America, where zero IS THE TEMPERATURE OF AN EQUAL MIXTURE OF ICE AND SALT!

One: I will never get used to Fahrenheit for as long as I live here.
Two: Ice and salt? Really?